What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 02:42
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She wouldn,t have been !
But, we were locked up after school.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
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It was going to be , some day.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Can I see some saggy tit pics and huge areolas pics?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
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I had hoped to write a book about this .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Did sharing a wife turn out okay?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
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His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
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Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
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I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
We were not on the streets..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
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You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Why do old men think young women and girls would want them over guys their own age?
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I waited trembling.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I could never make a relationship work though!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
(And it was in our own minds.)
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
And i lived it daily.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Im still living with it.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I was very sick at this time too.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Why did i forgive my father ?
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
She married twice! .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
One cannot live in the past .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
All the time i was locked up.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Put me off passion for life!!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She found it foreign!.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But it wasn’t much.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
So whats the point in blame.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He resisted the act ,that day.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I was scared of men, in general
I think the readers, may guess!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
We all went to grammer schools
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Who then, do I blame.?
Comes on , in middle age.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
My life is so biszare .
This is soul school!.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
When she asked me how she looked .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
She loved him until the end.
I never cut or harmed myself..
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I don,t even have a pension.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I was 9 years of age.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
So, i spoilt her more .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Would this be the day?
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I have no regrets .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I couldn’t, believe it.
My family never makes their pension either.
As i do to all so called friends.?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I will be 64.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I said to her
I was seconnd youngest,
Was to survive, this bastard.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I write beautiful poetry .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
What did i know ?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Ive learnt so much.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She was in good health!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He knew the spot.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.